By Renee P. Aldrich
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't really go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.Anonymous
The above quote has been said many times, in many different ways. I believe so much so that so that at this point the words “you must leave the past behind” no longer has as strong a meaning as it once did. It is rather like what happens to young couples when one or the other every weekend has something to apologize for; and the “I'm sorry’s” begin to lose some of their steam. Many us know what it is to say, “I'll just have to move on”; but have not really discovered the fine art to 'getting over it'.
Self help gurus have written books, conducted entire workshops and held seminars on the importance of closing the door on what was, and focusing on what is to be. And while many of us women work hard to convince ourselves and others that we understand this concept and practice it; the truth is, 'letting go” is more than just “saying so”.
In fact, getting over past hurts, disappointments and offenses can be extremely difficult. If it weren’t, it wouldn't be such an issue for so many people, especially women. I am not saying we are completely unforgiving; actually, that is part of the problem, many times we want so badly to appear as though some misdeed is not bothering us; we act as though we have forgiven and forgotten when the reality is we haven't really dealt with the issue so that we can freely release it. . We have just tried to bury it and move on. When you do that, invariable it comes back to haunt us in some form. The other extreme to this is that we allow the anger and hatred for someone or about something to get deep down inside of us, we stay 'mad' at that person; perhaps waiting for them to realize how wrong they did us until it eats a hole inside. Again we think we have handled it by just hating, and being angry, but it is still festering within unresolved and ‘blocking’ the pathway to freedom that forgiveness provides. There is definitely a special consciousness involved in this thing called “getting over the past”.
Let's exam why honest forgetting, forgiving, and moving on is such a struggle. One reason, as strange as it may seem, is that sometime we want to stay stuck in a place of pain. For some, wallowing in that unfair thing that happened to us, gives us a kind of identity that perhaps we are afraid to break free of. In other words, we have such a shabby sense of self, that we fear the freedom to just look at ourselves without the weight of that baggage. We unconsciously know that if we shake off that old stuff, we may have to do something productive and responsible with our lives.
Another reason we lag in our past, is that it is easier to stay, than to invest in the 'work' it would take to climb out. Inability to forgive ourselves is another reason we remain locked in some past event for which we blame ourselves. The challenge of entering a softer, more loving relationship with ourselves is acknowledging our errors, owning the weakness, forgiving ourselves and focusing on the future. This is important because its a fact of life that if we cannot bring ourselves to forgive ourselves, then we won't be able comprehend the all consuming power of the love of God who stays ready to forgive us, wants to do it, and will do it.
The top reason, however, that we can't get over some of the pain of our past, is the inability to forgive the one who offended us. This is how our past gets in the way of our future. Our anger, bitterness, resentment and sometime rage consumes us, and fills up those places were blessings belong.
We have the notion that forgiving the person who wronged us is saying that “it was okay” what they did. This is a grave misunderstanding. Be assured that the expectation in forgiveness is not that the offender has no accountability, and that should blindly stay targets for repeat offenses. The act of forgiveness is directly related to the appropriate process for moving our lives to the next level. It is seeing a situation for what it is, handling it, and making a self affirming decision to step away from the harm or pain and then not holding on to it.
The act of forgiveness is between you and God mostly; and when in cases were it is feasible, yes, it could mean a verbal declaration to the offending individual. But it is in your heart where it is most important that you make the transition from the anger to peace; the peace that comes from understanding that your time, and energy are so much more valuable that to be used obsessing about the terrible event.
I specifically recall a situation that transformed me. I belonged to an organization where I one day found myself the object of, what I thought at the time, was a terrible conspiracy by a certain individual within the organization to discredit me; and ease me out of a position I held. (it was not a leadership position) I was called on the carpet about some alleged infractions in front of about 10 people—including the head of the organization. Everyone was there with the exception of my accuser—who had submitted a 3 page letter filled with accusations about me. This was in September of 1996, I vividly even now remember the emotion as I sat there listening to these people asking me to essentially defend myself about the information that was in the letter (which by the way had been 3 months earlier of the same year). So what I learned on that day in September was that everyone in the meeting had been walking around interacting normally with me all these months (including my accuser) knowing about this letter and that this meeting was coming. I was told that due to scheduling problems it could not be dealt with before 3 months had passed.
I was totally blind sided by this whole thing. While I was definitely aware that due to transitions within the organization, the accuser and I were butting heads, still, I felt that the respect we had for each other and the fact that we had already been working together indirectly for six years, would provide an opportunity for us to smooth out our issues. I never thought this tactic would be taken -- taken before the leadership board in this manner, without the presence of my accuser.
Of course, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of defending any of the content of letter; and of course I immediately resigned from that position. For almost two years I wrestled with this thing, I still tried to remain a part of this organization thinking that I could just move on mentally. At the end of that time I knew that trying to stay had been a mistake.
I was there, but I lingered in my resentment, I watched as it seemed that no one within the organization had a heart for what I was going through. It was tough to walk in there and not keep getting the visual of the humiliation I experienced on that day. I could not forgive these people and did not want to forgive them. Until finally the wisdom of an elderly lady friend brought me to the reality of what I had to do. When I kept complaining to her saying that “they had to know how wrong it was of them to do that to me, every one of them, even the head of our organization.” She said to me, “People have a way of convincing themselves that they were right about something; you want them to come forward and say they were wrong—and you can just forget that. Waiting on that is what’s tearing you up inside—holding on to that hope keeps you the victim. You will stay torn up and confused and miserable as long as you hold on to it. LET IT GO!!” In that instant, was through, I left that organization and begin to systematically forget the incident, and over time I forgave the parties. Subsequent to that, I had doors opening for activities and creative situations that I would not have been able to take advantage of if I was still in that position with that organization.
What I learned from this painful experience was that for every reason people find to hold on to the negative past, there are just as many reasons for letting go. A key reason being is that the longer you hold on thinking there is some value in that, the longer it will eat away at you; another important reason it is better to let go, is that the longer you delay the process of moving on, the longer you delay your healing. It is a fact that you cannot progress with an open unhealed wound because when you least expect to, you bang that wound and the pain goes all through you again. And lastly, but most importantly, holding on to those old hurts and anger, does not have you in a POSITION OF POWER, but really is a reflection of your POWERLESSNESS. Think about it, in any situation where our physical or emotional power is compromised, we still have free will of our thoughts, and literally can choose to release anything that is holding us in a mental hostage.
Accomplishment in life lies in the free creative flow of our beautiful minds. If our minds are cluttered up with remnants of some distant, unresolved hurt, there is no space for growth. We must keep ourselves open to the blessings intended for us by consciously deciding to step out of that past stuff. Just like I was told by my wise elderly friend, “waiting on someone else to make a past situation right will tear you up inside”. The first tool we possess to help us in moving on is our minds and thoughts. Whatever our past experience has been, whatever wounds or heartaches they have rendered to us—We are still in charge of our thinking—this is where our power lies.
TIPS FOR MOVING ONQuit sharing the story over and over again with friends or family members
(if you need to talk with a professional do so, but don't just keep it as a topic of your conversation in general)--even supporters tire of the broken record you become.
God has provided prayer as a means of communicating with him things that are larger than you USE IT
Go ahead and give yourself permission to be sad, angry, disappointed, disillusioned
or whatever you need—PUT A TIME LIMIT ON IT, and then start the process of moving on
Understand that moving on is a process, and the quicker you begin it, the quicker you
get to your healing.
Don't expect it to be easy, but do expect it to be doable—Do not be ashamed or to proud
to seek professional help, it is a sign of strength
Renee is a Community Cancer Control Health Educator for the American Cancer Society, a writer of poetry and prose, and is free lance writer for the New Pittsburgh Courier. She can be reached at Tehreh06@aol.com or 412-414-1347. You may also post a public comment below.
