HOSTILE CONFRONTATIONS – Create more Problems than they solve

by Renee P. Aldrich

“Anger and hatred cannot bring harmony. The noble task of arms control and disarmament cannot be accomplished by confrontation and condemnation. Hostile attitudes only serve to heat up the situation, whereas a true sense of respect gradually cools down what otherwise could become explosive….” Dalai Lama

Stories about fighting, filthy language, actual verbal and/or physical confrontations, boasting about threats that you have hurled at supervisors or family members, reports of having cursed someone out royally; does any this sound like what you would hear in a men’s locker room, a pool hall or on a construction site? Perhaps it does, but sadly, these are also sounds you would hear at any given time on the back of a bus filled with young black women between the ages of 18 and 25 (and even younger).

These are manifestations of the hostility that seems to be so pervasive in women in this age group. They erroneously think this is the answer to any challenge they encounter with other people or situations (such as someone bumps into them at the club). I refer to the head snapping eye rolling, hand on hip finger waving sisters who think they must exhibit this behaviour in order to be seen, or to display some type of false bravado.

However, the truth is that most often these actions have more to do with feelings of insecurity and fear of being judged rather than real anger. Yet, there are times when it is real anger, but the anger is misdirected. It could be distress about being a 22 year old single mom of 2, you have no diploma or GED so you are stuck at a menial job and do not see your way out. Perhaps the anger is at the boyfriend who, now that you are 7 months pregnant, is frequently seen at the club with his new conquests. And he has not phoned you in two weeks. While these are legitimate problems, unfortunately they are not legitimate reasons to snap at everyone you come into contact with, walk around with a chip on your shoulder, or if you are fortunate enough to have a job, go to work every day with the “I want to fight” look on your face. At the end of this behaviour, the problem is not fixed and things are most likely worse; because you’ve probably managed to alienated those closest to you.

Make no mistake, this is not a phenomena relegated to younger women. I have had many negative experiences with angry confrontational women of color over 45 years of age. I can site two separate incidences with women in the workplace. The first was years ago when I worked at an Association in Washington DC with a woman we will call Mary. The other was about 12 years ago with a woman we will call Betty, while working in a Senior Administrators office at a University. Both of these women had been in their jobs in excess of 15 years, both were very capable and worked hard. I was a new employee in both cases and an easy target for their disdain. Both Mary and Betty were deeply resentful of my presence because the hiring process was mishandled by management. Mary in DC had been in her position as receptionist with this Association for quite a number of years. She did not have the skill set and therefore had been passed over for the executive assistant job three times when I was brought in. I was recruited and hired to be a back up to Betty at the University; and she had not been allowed to participate in the selection process.

No doubt they both had cause to feel disrespected and angry, but I should not have been the target of their resentment. . At the Association it was particularly problematical because though Mary lacked the advanced skills necessary to do the job I did, she had many years with the company and she knew her work very well. Ours was a small office and we had to work closely together -- she made my life miserable simply because she could. She did not direct her anger to the management who had overlooked her for years, nor did she elect to seek other employment. At the University, ultimately it took an intervention from another senior administrator to influence a change in Mary’s behaviour towards me; but not without much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Historically Black women have had to be every thing to everyone, we’ve had to keep families together, raise children alone, work as domestics, in factories, in restaurants, and/or other low paying or demeaning jobs just to keep a roof over their heads. There have been instances when we’ve had to stand strong with husbands, being a source of support and strength when they (the husband) have had to endure adverse situations. Therefore it became necessary for us to take on a stalwart posture with a no nonsense attitude ‘ready to take on anything potentially threatening to our family environment.

Somehow over the years that demeanour which we once needed to protect and advance our families and show support to our spouses, has been transferred and embraced by some young sisters and held on to by many older sisters, and the results have not been positive. The dynamic has changed so that instead of a tool to ‘guard’ us from very real adversaries, that fighting spirit and hostile posture has become a weapon we use against each other, and a place behind which we hide our insecurities, fears and inadequacies.

It has been said in so many ways that engaging in hostile confrontations rarely works. It is ineffective in the work place, employment is at stake. It does not work in families; we know that siblings go for years of not speaking to each other about incidences that can rarely be remembered It does not work with adult children, if you’ve done your job you should not need to ‘get into it’ with another grownup, if they are minor children then there should be no back and forth argument anyway. Most assuredly it does not work with spouses, ask yourself when is the last time a huge confrontation resolved anything with him or her? Most importantly, when we allow ourselves to be drawn into pointless argumentation—WE GIVE AWAY OUR POWER!!

Be assured that the idea is not that we should be doormats for others, be they spouses, employers, children, siblings, family or friends. Nor is this to suggest that we should walk around with a perpetual grin on our faces or that we will not be challenged by the behaviour of others towards us. The hope is that we learn to position ourselves so we are not drawn into hostile confrontations. It is important to map out a strategy that will remove you from such situations before they start. We do have choices in all matters and if we do not have choice of what the other person is doing, we have the choice of our reaction.

A Woman entering a softer more loving relationship with herself, recognizes the importance of preserving her mental and physical health by choosing to avoid ugly, hostile confrontations. She knows that it is healthier to deal with a situation in a manner that will affect results—major confrontations make complicated matters even more complicated. When we love ourselves to want the best for ourselves, we are satisfied to ‘rest’ in our correctness, chose our battles, and then approach the battle to get results. Additionally, we have enough security and sense of self to not engage in scenes, make scenes or be drawn into scenes to prove any point to anyone..

“Mission for the Month:

Your Mission for this month should you choose to attempt it is to ‘Turn off your Hot Button” If you know you are always in attack mode, and are quick to jump into your “angry black woman stance”, then you are also aware of the chaos it creates in your life. Make a commitment today to choose a more effective way of handling controversies that come up and people who create controversy—and by all means don’t be the source of your own

Tips to accomplish the mission

• Do an honest self assessment—recognize the need
• Approach the problem seriously pray for guidance
• Stop with excuses, such as, “this is just how I am and that’s that”—this implies you don’t have control over your actions, and you do
• Look into a yoga class or find books on how to de-stress
• If you know your anger is rooted in other things, seek help to deal with the underlying cause of why you are prone to anger and over-reacting

Renee is a Community Cancer Control Health Educator for the American Cancer Society, a writer of poetry and prose, and is free lance writer for the New Pittsburgh Courier. She can be reached at Tehreh06@aol.com or 412-414-1347. You may also post a public comment below.