by Renee P. Aldrich
Persons of high self-esteem are not driven to make themselves superior to others; they do not seek to prove their value by measuring themselves against a comparative standard. Their joy is being who they are, not in being better than someone else.
“Anonymous”
“Anonymous”
One of the overwhelming challenges of being a woman is coming to terms with who it is we are; the media hype about what it means to be beautiful, and what it means to have a perfect body, leaves us seriously struggling to accept our physical make up as well as our life condition. Because of this; we often allow ourselves to be subject to the opinions of the people in our lives; family, friends, significant others, and sometime even employers. The problem with this is that the opinions of others are often formed by whatever their view is of themselves; and sometimes that view is warped. Additionally, it has been proven that for too many years, women, in general have been owned by society. And this society has dictated to us what we should look like, sound like, act like, where we should live, and what groups we should belong to, and so much more.
Then there is the 'self imposed' quest to be perfect that we impose upon ourselves. In the work place we go through great lengths to create a picture of perfection; including taking on projects that belong to other people; working extended hours to keep up, and coming to work ill. We end up generally bringing stress and anxiety on ourselves by trying to be indispensible, rather than assessing the reality of our capabilities and then being honest about it.
How exactly does the “Masked Woman” function? A woman wearing a mask meets people and creates an imaginary existence; one that she feels will present herself in a better light. After about five minutes of conversation, she has told all her business--having exaggerated much of it. Once when I was working in Washington, DC and living in a woman's dormitory for government workers; there was a girl who used to entertain us in the evening with many stories of her seemingly “perfect life” before, and since she had been living in DC. One of the stories she told was that she was brought to DC by the Department of the Interior and actually started as a Grade 7 which was an extremely high salary for a Secretary back then. (we were all impressed because securing that kind of salary just entering the government workforce was was unheard of). As it turned out, we learned that she and I actually worked for the same agency. I had been brought in as a Grade 5 because I already had 4 years of experience when I took the civil service exam. Most of the girls in our dorm who also had come from different cities, did not have the experience, and therefore started as Grades 2's and 3's.
Because I was a Grade 5, I was identified to join an application review panel in the agency department of personnel. This was a panel brought together to review applications and resumes of people who were seeking promotions or 'next grade level' jobs. It was during one of these sessions were the applicants had applied for a job paying a Grade-4 salary, that I discovered the girl from the dorm had made up much of what she told us about herself.
I was stunned to see that she was not only a Grade-2, but she had been placed on probation for not measuring up to the job requirement at her last review. This girl had also told us she was taking classes at GW University and was in a sociology program. The truth was that she was actually taking a shorthand class so that she could qualify for a grade level increase. I knew this girl for the entire 15 years I lived in DC, and regretably, she stayed behind the “Mask” all of that time.
A mask woman will engage her friends in a lot of the made up imagery around which she has surrounded herself. She pretends to have finances which she does not have, going so far as to make major purchases like luxury cars and getting into homes with huge mortagages just so she can appear to her friends to 'have it like that'. She pretends to be more professionally than she really is, engages in social activities that she doesn't really like, with people she really doesn't like because she thinks it gives her 'points' with people upon whose opinion she places too much importance.
It is in romantic relationships where 'wearing the mask' is often most prevelant, and most dangerous. We enter into romantic relationships projecting a fake persona; then become hard pressed to keep up. Ultimately we generate more anxiety and stress as we become worn down attempting to keep up the facade'. When I married my first husband I so wanted to be the perfect wife and 'servant' to him. When he did not know how he wanted his eggs for breakfast, I would fix a scrambled egg and an over easy egg, and if he was not sure if he wanted home fries or pancakes, I would fix both.
My aunt admonished me that this was unrealistic. She said “Renee you need to 'start out like you can hold out,' if your marriage is going to last a lifetime. Do you think you will want to cook like this every morning for the next 40 years?” I did not appreciate her wisdom at the time, because I wanted it to look like this was okay with me and it was not. Needless to say, that marriage ended in 5 years and much of the reason had to do with me not being true to myself at the beginning.
Another place where you see a lot of “Masked Women”, unfortunately, is in the church. In our churches we are many times presented with a picture what our spirituality should look like. For many, these guidelines are pretty stringent. So on Wednesdays and Sundays we pretend a pious religiousosity that we really can't pull off. We don't receive encouragement to be the best that we can be, and be 'for real' as opposed to holding ourselves up to some man made interpretation of how what our christian walk should be.. I've seen many young women sink into the pits of despair and depression trying to pretend they were something they weren't so they could get the 'nod' of approval from the church mothers who of course never did anything wrong in the entireity of their holy lives.
Paul Lawrence Dunbar wrote “We wear the Mask that Grins and Lies...why should the world be over-wise in counting all our tears and sighs? We wear the Mask.” Dunbar's reference was the fact that it was safer for us to pretend in front of white people during slavery. His poem speaks to the need we had for keeping a masked face—in order that our weaknesses, and or plans would not be revealed. But, WHY DO WE MASK today? Again, something that was once necessary to protect us as a people from our oppressors, has been transferred to our interpersonal relationships and we use it as a tool against one another.
More often than not we mask ourselves and the truth about us, because we don't believe that we will be appreciated as we are. We believe that we are unacceptable; and we believe it because we do not accept ourselves. We spend so much time finding fault with ourselves, that we start to really believe that we are the sum total of those faults and nothing more. We fail to realize that the very people we are trying to impress are themselves flawed!!
If we are honest, we'll admit that we have all done some 'masking' at some point in time. The concern is for those who live indefinitely behind a mask. The problem with this is the mask woman is also living in fear—fear of being found out. Again, fear creates stress, stress creates more anxiety, and both can and often do result in serious physical illness—real or imagined.
A Woman entering a softer more loving relationship with herself, knows that she has been perfectly made by God, flaws, floibles and all. If her flaws are something she wants to work on, she does so on her own terms, but not in response to trying to meeting someone elses expectations of her. She therefore realizes that pretending to be something she isn't is not necessary. When you meet this woman, you do not meet her representative. She finds herself 'acceptable', meets with her own approval, and expects that everyone else will too. She boldly unmasks and says “What you see is what you get”, if you are not okay with it, get over it!
Tips on dropping the Mask
● Get to know yourself you'll be surprised how interesting you are as your true self
● Develop new interests and you'll be so busy cultivating them, you won't have time to take the time to hide-- plus it will increase your confidence
● Lend a hand to someone who needs it, they'll teach you how to appreciate your true self
● Acknowledge that this is an issue for you, and pray for guidence in honoring the unique qualities that make the real you too special to HIDE behind the Mask
Renee is a Community Cancer Control Health Educator for the American Cancer Society, a writer of poetry and prose, and is free lance writer for the New Pittsburgh Courier. She can be reached at Tehreh06@aol.com or 412-414-1347. You may also post a public comment below.
Then there is the 'self imposed' quest to be perfect that we impose upon ourselves. In the work place we go through great lengths to create a picture of perfection; including taking on projects that belong to other people; working extended hours to keep up, and coming to work ill. We end up generally bringing stress and anxiety on ourselves by trying to be indispensible, rather than assessing the reality of our capabilities and then being honest about it.
How exactly does the “Masked Woman” function? A woman wearing a mask meets people and creates an imaginary existence; one that she feels will present herself in a better light. After about five minutes of conversation, she has told all her business--having exaggerated much of it. Once when I was working in Washington, DC and living in a woman's dormitory for government workers; there was a girl who used to entertain us in the evening with many stories of her seemingly “perfect life” before, and since she had been living in DC. One of the stories she told was that she was brought to DC by the Department of the Interior and actually started as a Grade 7 which was an extremely high salary for a Secretary back then. (we were all impressed because securing that kind of salary just entering the government workforce was was unheard of). As it turned out, we learned that she and I actually worked for the same agency. I had been brought in as a Grade 5 because I already had 4 years of experience when I took the civil service exam. Most of the girls in our dorm who also had come from different cities, did not have the experience, and therefore started as Grades 2's and 3's.
Because I was a Grade 5, I was identified to join an application review panel in the agency department of personnel. This was a panel brought together to review applications and resumes of people who were seeking promotions or 'next grade level' jobs. It was during one of these sessions were the applicants had applied for a job paying a Grade-4 salary, that I discovered the girl from the dorm had made up much of what she told us about herself.
I was stunned to see that she was not only a Grade-2, but she had been placed on probation for not measuring up to the job requirement at her last review. This girl had also told us she was taking classes at GW University and was in a sociology program. The truth was that she was actually taking a shorthand class so that she could qualify for a grade level increase. I knew this girl for the entire 15 years I lived in DC, and regretably, she stayed behind the “Mask” all of that time.
A mask woman will engage her friends in a lot of the made up imagery around which she has surrounded herself. She pretends to have finances which she does not have, going so far as to make major purchases like luxury cars and getting into homes with huge mortagages just so she can appear to her friends to 'have it like that'. She pretends to be more professionally than she really is, engages in social activities that she doesn't really like, with people she really doesn't like because she thinks it gives her 'points' with people upon whose opinion she places too much importance.
It is in romantic relationships where 'wearing the mask' is often most prevelant, and most dangerous. We enter into romantic relationships projecting a fake persona; then become hard pressed to keep up. Ultimately we generate more anxiety and stress as we become worn down attempting to keep up the facade'. When I married my first husband I so wanted to be the perfect wife and 'servant' to him. When he did not know how he wanted his eggs for breakfast, I would fix a scrambled egg and an over easy egg, and if he was not sure if he wanted home fries or pancakes, I would fix both.
My aunt admonished me that this was unrealistic. She said “Renee you need to 'start out like you can hold out,' if your marriage is going to last a lifetime. Do you think you will want to cook like this every morning for the next 40 years?” I did not appreciate her wisdom at the time, because I wanted it to look like this was okay with me and it was not. Needless to say, that marriage ended in 5 years and much of the reason had to do with me not being true to myself at the beginning.
Another place where you see a lot of “Masked Women”, unfortunately, is in the church. In our churches we are many times presented with a picture what our spirituality should look like. For many, these guidelines are pretty stringent. So on Wednesdays and Sundays we pretend a pious religiousosity that we really can't pull off. We don't receive encouragement to be the best that we can be, and be 'for real' as opposed to holding ourselves up to some man made interpretation of how what our christian walk should be.. I've seen many young women sink into the pits of despair and depression trying to pretend they were something they weren't so they could get the 'nod' of approval from the church mothers who of course never did anything wrong in the entireity of their holy lives.
Paul Lawrence Dunbar wrote “We wear the Mask that Grins and Lies...why should the world be over-wise in counting all our tears and sighs? We wear the Mask.” Dunbar's reference was the fact that it was safer for us to pretend in front of white people during slavery. His poem speaks to the need we had for keeping a masked face—in order that our weaknesses, and or plans would not be revealed. But, WHY DO WE MASK today? Again, something that was once necessary to protect us as a people from our oppressors, has been transferred to our interpersonal relationships and we use it as a tool against one another.
More often than not we mask ourselves and the truth about us, because we don't believe that we will be appreciated as we are. We believe that we are unacceptable; and we believe it because we do not accept ourselves. We spend so much time finding fault with ourselves, that we start to really believe that we are the sum total of those faults and nothing more. We fail to realize that the very people we are trying to impress are themselves flawed!!
If we are honest, we'll admit that we have all done some 'masking' at some point in time. The concern is for those who live indefinitely behind a mask. The problem with this is the mask woman is also living in fear—fear of being found out. Again, fear creates stress, stress creates more anxiety, and both can and often do result in serious physical illness—real or imagined.
A Woman entering a softer more loving relationship with herself, knows that she has been perfectly made by God, flaws, floibles and all. If her flaws are something she wants to work on, she does so on her own terms, but not in response to trying to meeting someone elses expectations of her. She therefore realizes that pretending to be something she isn't is not necessary. When you meet this woman, you do not meet her representative. She finds herself 'acceptable', meets with her own approval, and expects that everyone else will too. She boldly unmasks and says “What you see is what you get”, if you are not okay with it, get over it!
Tips on dropping the Mask
● Get to know yourself you'll be surprised how interesting you are as your true self
● Develop new interests and you'll be so busy cultivating them, you won't have time to take the time to hide-- plus it will increase your confidence
● Lend a hand to someone who needs it, they'll teach you how to appreciate your true self
● Acknowledge that this is an issue for you, and pray for guidence in honoring the unique qualities that make the real you too special to HIDE behind the Mask
Renee is a Community Cancer Control Health Educator for the American Cancer Society, a writer of poetry and prose, and is free lance writer for the New Pittsburgh Courier. She can be reached at Tehreh06@aol.com or 412-414-1347. You may also post a public comment below.
3 comments:
BRAVO, sister Renee. I am fortunate enough to have taken off my mask years ago, while still an undergraduate student. At times, young women get so caught up by what the media (particularly television and magazines) says is acceptable, what's sexy, what's cool, what will get you a man faster... But it was only with the guidance and reinforcement of other more mature, strong, wise-women such as yourself. Thank you for writing such an honest piece.
Another well thought out, well written , provocative piece. My question to you is...when you've discover all of these truths about yourself why do you continue to wear the mask?
You give some very good ideas/suggestions for the Masked wearer to rid herself of the mask; but once you have employed these strategies/methods and continue to wear the mask what do you do and how do you do it. What if you don't accept the fact that you are still wearing the mask? What should the dialog (with yourself) be at that point? If family and so called friends have made you see yourself with the mask on as some ugly abomination and you internalize their opinions of you then what happens to the mask wearer?
To thine ownself be true.....?
We have to stand naked in front of a mirror and speak the bold unadulterated unprettied up truth to ourselves about who and what we are. The flaws that we consider flaws have to then be confronted and erradicated. Then we have to live our everyday lives as women who know the truths about themselves and lovingly strive to be a perfect work in progress.
Thanks for lighting a fire in me.
M
In response to mdwalkersbraids, it is in seeking perfection in transformation that we become disappointed, the idea is that we see ourselves as "A work in progress". This means we are moving towards someplace new. As a work in progress, even in recognizing that we struggle to leave the mask, we are still more POWERFUL in our own development than family or friends who either consciously or unconsciously sabotage us with their opinions. As a work in progress we have made a decision to act on our own behalf to live mask free--of course we will be challenged to shake something that did not happen over night--but it is that decision that brings with it strength..SO we stay the course, and know that others are coming at us from a place of THEIR weakness!! Not ours...THANK YOU FOR THIS INQUIRY AND OBSERVATION
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